Count Dracula

Count Dracula of Transylvania

The characters

Narrator 1                                                          Lurch the Butler                                              Young man

Narrator 2                                                          Dentist                                                                Young woman

Count Dracula A, B, C                                    Second hand toothseller

Narrator I Narrator 2 Narrator 1 Dracula A Narrator 1 Narrator 2 Toothseller Dracula B Toothseller Dracula B Toothseller Dracula B Toothseller Dracula B Toothseller Dracula B Toothseller Dracula B Toothseller Narrator I Toothseller Toothseller Dracula B Woman Narrator 1 Lurch Man Lurch Woman Lurch Man Lurch Man Lurch Woman Lurch Dracula C Man Dracula C Woman Dracula C Woman Man Dracula C Woman Dracula C Woman Dracula C Man Dracula C Woman Dracula C Woman Dracula C Man Woman Woman Dracula C

I’d like to tell you all a tale of blood, some guts and gore. Please tell me if you wish to leave; it’s gruesome, please be sure, for it’s the tale of Dracula. He causes ladies grief by giving them a winning smile, then sinking in his teeth. We go to Transylvania; there, deep within the gloom, we see a coffin made of wood: it’s  Dracula’s bedroom.  Can you see his body, that is lying in repose? A very dapper vampire, well dressed from head to toes. DRACULA SITS UP AND YAWNS. I’m waking from a deepest sleep; it always makes me yawn. I have to keep out of the sun; I really hate the dawn. People say I’m really cruel, but that’s just their belief; it’s just that I’ve got red eyes and very pointed teeth. So now it’s time to seek my prey: the villagers aren’t brave. But first, before I seek my lunch, I think I’ll have a shave. HE CROSSES TO THE MIRROR I look within this mirror here; my fangs are at the front, Oh no!  I can’t believe my eyes; it seems they have gone blunt. Lurch, I need you.  Please come here! EXIT DENTIST So Dracula sets off at once, arrives outside a door. He rings a bell, then knocks as well – he was just making sure. For the night was slipping by and Count Dracula could see that if his teeth weren’t sorted out he’d not get any tea. DOOR OPENS Hello, dear sir, you rang my bell, though it is very late at night. I need your help at once, my friend. Then come into the light. I need you to restore my teeth, for they have been ground down. As Dracula I have to have the sharpest teeth in town. Well, certainly a challenge then. Let’s see what you can bite. We’ll start with fruit and quite soft things. Please finish this tonight, for soon I have to prowl the land before the sun does rise. I can’t miss out on mealtimes; that’s never very wise. Bite on this. The softest peach? I see your bite is shallow. At this rate all I will consume might be a pink marshmallow. You need dentures, that is plain. Now, that’s a good idea. I think I’ve got the teeth for you; though now I’ve made it clear you have to  take care of your teeth and clean them every night. Please listen to this, children, for his advice is right. Dracula, please take your time. Just come and see the choice. They’ll give you back a winning smile and modulate your voice. (BRINGS OUT THREE SETS OF RIDICULOUS TEETH) These are the cheapest that I sell; they’re made of solid rubber. They’re no use, for I can see, they wouldn’t bite through blubber. We need somewhere to rest. Have you got a bed to spare? I hope she speaks in jest. Of course you can just shelter here. The weather is quite dire. Come and stand beside the hearth and dry off by the fire. Perhaps you’ll call a taxi, please? The phone, I think, is dead. Oh, then, what can we do tonight? You can stay here instead. That’s very kind.                       Don’t mention it. My master thinks it best to offer up a welcome to the unexpected guest. We broke down some time ago. Oh, never trust a car! Who is the man we have to thank? Why, good Count Dracula. ENTER DRACULA Welcome, both, to this my house; you must stay here tonight. Oh no, we couldn’t trouble you. I’m here to cure your plight. It’s much too dark to walk that path; the rain is falling still. You’ll enjoy the evening here. Thanks, I’m sure I will. So when tomorrow morning dawns, I’ll fix your broken car. Heading home from here tonight is really much too far. I know that you will feel at home; I’ll give you dinner, too, Take a choice from this menu; fill your stomachs, so! I only ask that when you eat your salmon, trifle, cake. Please do not mention meat to me, especially rare steak. I’m tired, I think I’ll go to bed. A good idea, I think. You haven’t eaten much tonight, not even had a drink. Please don’t worry, gentle Count, the food was very good. I know that I will also feast; I feel it in my blood. I’ll try the teeth I bought today; with necks that I must bite. Then I will turn into a bat and vanish in the night. I can’t just stop my liquid diet. I have to be quite wary, Changing my nutrition, to me that is scary. But surely you could fly away to find your blood elsewhere? Of course I could, but I don’t see why you should have to care about your welfare when I have you helpless on the bed. I think that you should listen to what my wife has said. I need to try out my new teeth, for it’s the bite I lack. If they’re no good, you can be sure that I will take them back. Have you thought of normal food? Of blood you’ll surely tire. Will you listen one last time? I am a grown vampire? But if you change your diet now, keep your blood lust in check, you’ll get your full nutrition without biting a neck. Perhaps I will.  It is a thought, for I’d like to be kind. I’m sure the other vampires wouldn’t really mind. Vegetables, not ever meat. SHE  TAKES A CARROT OUT OF HER BAG AND OFFERS IT TO DRACULA. Just those would be a start. I will, but don’t ever serve red meat, a steak or heart. I think you have convinced me to give biting a rest; but I can see that every meal will give me quite a test. Indeed, I think I’ll set you free, then try out my new diet. I’ll switch to all the normal food if it will keep you quiet. HE EATS THE CARROT.

Dracula A Lurch Dracula A Narrator I Dentist Dracula A Narrator 2 Dentist Dracula A Dentist Dracula A Dentist Dracula A Dentist Dracula A Dentist Toothseller Dracula B Toothseller Dracula B Narrator 2 Dracula B Narrator I Narrator 2 Man Woman Man Woman Man Woman Narrator I Man Woman Narrator 2 Man Woman Narrator 1 Narrator 2 Lurch Man Narrator 1 Narrator 2 Man Woman Man Narrator I Narrator 2 Dracula C Man Dracula Woman Dracula C Woman Dracula C Narrator I Narrator 2

Lurch, a dentist I must see. Please ring for an appointment. What now?                          Yes, immediately. So off he goes into the town. He dresses in his cloak. He goes to see the dentist: a very pleasant bloke. Come in Count. Sit in this chair. This is a strange surprise. How is it that I can help you? My teeth are blunt.                           He cries. Your teeth are blunt?  How can that be? For eating’s not a game. I know that now, you silly man! There’s something else to blame. Are you really sure, dear Count, that your diet has been good? Of course it has, you silly man! I’ve only eaten blood. I know that you’re a vampire; but I must make it clear: the diet you’ve been following has dulled your teeth, I fear. So tell me what I have to do to cause young maidens grief. For I can’t be a vampire if I have blunted teeth. Your life will be quite pointless; I’m sorry – that’s a pun. You´ll have to learn to bite again. Sign up for “Chomping lessons!” Are you a comedian? No, I don’t do impressions. You need to see a specialist; he lives upon the Heath. He has a full collection of second-hand false teeth. What about these plastic ones? They’ll last at least a year. No, they’ll bend when I bite necks. They’re not for me, I fear. Well, what about this final set? The best that you can buy. They look more like it, I confess. Come, I’ll give them a try. So, the Count, with dentures new, knows it will take a while. To get used to these brand new teeth, at least he’s got his smile. These are perfect!   There’s no doubt my teeth now feel just right. I hope that I will have a chance to try them out tonight. Now the Count is very pleased, let us switch our story back to the castle on the hill; I hope it’s not too gory. I see a couple standing there; their car has broken down. We need to find a place to stay. Yes, are we near a town? It doesn’t seem there’s any place to shelter from this rain. I tell you we will never use this Car Hire firm again. Oh look, a shining light! It’s glinting through the trees. I wonder if they’ll shelter us? They will if I say “Please!” So they go up to the door; the knocker’s like a bat. What a very weird design! I don’t think much of that! They knock but once, they knock but twice. Please open up this door. We need to shelter from the storm. I hope that you are sure! For when the door is opened wide a butler’s standing there. Tall of leg, with mournful face, with very little hair. My name is Lurch, I’m butler here. I work from early dawn. Dusting, cleaning, catering, then tidying the lawn. You rang, dear sir? Of course we did! I hope they don’t look funny. Unless they’re better than my fangs I will have wasted money. So the couple go upstairs; a candle lights their room. It certainly is difficult to see through all the gloom. But the couple cannot sleep; they toss and turn in bed. Odd thoughts  and visions fill their minds and flit inside each head. Did you think it rather strange when we met him here tonight? He didn’t cast a shadow beyond the candlelight. I also thought his face was pale, no colour to his skin. Wasn’t it suspicious how we were welcomed in? He said he didn’t like the light. The mirror did not show reflections of his body shape. I think that we should go. For now I see Count Dracula heading for their bed. They’ll wish they had not stopped here, gone somewhere else instead. I’m sorry but you cannot leave. I knew!  I had a hunch. I need your blood, so please stay here, I missed out on my lunch. Why do you harm the guests that stay? I do not think it right that any guest beneath your roof does not survive the night. Have you ever thought that this is not the way to live? Do not take from everyone. Why not learn to give? You seem a very pleasant chap with wealth and rugged looks. I know that you are clever too: I’ve noticed all your books. Give up your life of drinking blood. No need to cause a scene. Why not join ‘Friends of the Earth’? Come on – become a Green! I can’t just change my way of life. You must have lost your mind! Is there any vampire you have heard of that is kind? You know I have a way of life I’m really pleased, this is good news! Towards my views you’re tending. I can see that this short tale could have a happy ending. I think I will return these teeth. From biting I will rest. For now I know for certain fresh vegetables are best. People came from miles around. They travelled from afar to meet this vegetarian, the good Count Dracula. The Count, of course, has changed his life; it’s plain for all to see. He says, when offered some red meat, “Fangs for the memory”.