2 b or not to b

2B or Not 2B

Girls:           It’s Friday afternoon.

Boys:            Friday afternoon.

Girls:           It’s the end of the week.

Boys:            And you look like a freak.

Girls:           Charming!  Thank you.

Arthur:        And of all the subjects that we could be studying ...

Guinevere:   Such as English,

Lancelot:     Or History,

Elaine:         Or Social Psychology,

Galahad:      Or Film Studies,

Elizabeth:    Or Chemistry,

Gawain:       Or The Dynamics of Inter-Personal Relationships in ‘The Simpsons’,

All:               Shut up!

Ethelreda:    Or Geography,

Tristram:     Or Nuclear Physics,

Edith:           Or Inter-Galactic Musicology,

Guy:             The subject we actually get on a Friday afternoon is:

All:               Drama!

Rhoda:         We get Drama with Mr Chambers!

Percival:      And Drama with Mr Chambers is always:

All:               Improvisation!

Belle:            We have done improvisations on –

Bryan:         War!

Blanche:       Famine!

Arnold:        Plague!

Isobel:          Bullying!

Gareth:        Migration!

Maud:          Deprivation!

Kay:             Discrimination!

Odette:         Conservation!

Lionel:         Being jobless,

Yvonne:        Being homeless,

Mark:          And being clueless.

Edwina:       So here we are waiting for Mr Chambers, who is late.

All:               As usual!

Ector:          Because he cannot think of anything we haven’t improvised about.

Gwyneth:     But hush!  Here he comes!

All:               The man himself!  Ta-dah!

All:               Aw!

Teacher:      Hi there!  Are you Class 2B?

Arthur:        Or not 2B.

Teacher:      What?

Guinevere:   It’s a joke, Miss.  Are you taking us, Miss?

Teacher:      Yes: Did Mr Chambers set you any work?

All:               No, Miss.

Teacher:      So what do you usually do?

Mark:          Mess about.

Lancelot:     He gives us an idea, then we improvise.

Teacher:      Do you like his ideas?

All:               No, they’re boring!

Elaine:         Why don’t we ever do a proper play?

Ector:          Yeah!  let’s do Frankenstein!

Girls:           Aw, no!

Arnold:        Fighting!

Boys:            Yeah!

Isobel:          Oh, Miss, why do they always want to fight?

Blanche:       Miss, let’s do a play where we can wear long dresses from the wardrobe!

Belle:            Yes!  A love story!

Girls:           Yes!  Please, Miss!  Please!

Boys:            No!  No way!

Girls:           Yes!

Teacher:      That’s enough.  Listen to me!  All of you!  The play is about to begin.

Elaine:         Yes, but –

Teacher:      Shh!  This place is a castle, right?

All:               Right.

Teacher:      You boys are knights in armour, right?

Boys:            Right!

Teacher:      Girls, you are ladies in long dresses.  All right?

Girls:           All right.

Teacher:      But you all have a problem: you have no money.

Edwina:       Miss, I thought that knights and ladies were rich.

Teacher:      Not this lot.

Guy:             And, Miss, there’s no armour in the wardrobe.

Teacher:      They didn’t wear it indoors.  Go get ready.

................................................................................................................................................................................

Post:             Good morning, I am your friendly postwoman.  Is this Camelot Castle? Is King Arthur at home?

Guinevere:   King Arthur!  It’s the post!

Post:             I’ve got a parcel for him.

Guinevere:   Oh, I’ll take it.  I’m his wife.

Post:             Oh, then you must be Queen Guinevere?

Guinevere:   You can give me the parcel.

Post:             I’m afraid that the King has to sign for it himself, your Majesty.

Guinevere:   Get a move on, Arthur!

Lancelot:     (Off)  Go on!  It’s you!

Post:             A parcel for you, sire.

Arthur:        Oh, great!  It must be that new sword I ordered. 

Post:             I’m afraid it’s Cash On Delivery’, your Majesty.

Arthur:        I’ll go get you a cheque.

Post:             Sorry, sire, it must be cash or I’ll have to take it back.

Arthur:        You can’t!  I broke my other sword last week.  Look at it!  How can I be King of Britain with a sword like this?  ...  I’ll pick it up later.

Post:             Thank you, your Majesties. (Exit Post)

Guinevere:   Why did you have to tell her that?

Arthur:        Because it’s true!  I’m the poorest king in the world. I can’t carry on! ... Breakfast time!

Lancelot:     Hail, King Arthur!

All:               Hail, King Arthur!

Arthur:        And hail to you as well.

Guinevere:   The food should be here soon!  ... Something’s wrong.  Ring the bell, Arthur.

Elaine:         Did I see the post bringing a parcel?

Arthur:        Yes: a new sword.

Lancelot:     Great!  Let’s see it.

Arthur:        No, I sent it back.

Elizabeth:    Oh, was it the wrong size?

Guinevere:   No, we couldn’t pay for it.

Arthur:        Shut up, woman! ...  We’re all waiting for breakfast!  Where are the cooks?

Kay:             They’ve all gone.

All:               Gone?

Ethelreda:    Where have they gone?

Kay:             I don’t know.  They left this letter.

Maud:          ‘Dear All, Sorry there is no breakfast, but we are out of food.  Also we have not been paid for six months.  Yours sincerely, Castle Cooks’.  And seven kisses.

Elizabeth:    Is there no food at all, Kay?

Kay:             No, we can’t find any.

Guinevere:   Come on, girls, let’s go down to the shops.  You men had better think about making money!

Arthur:        I can’t even feed my own knights!  It’s the end!

Lancelot:     Cheer up, Arthur: we’ll think of something!  Come on, men: think!

Galahad:      What about .  .  .  .?  No.

Guy:             I know!  We could .  .  .  .  No, we couldn’t.

All:               Why don’t we .  .  . ?  No.

Lancelot:     We can’t think properly sitting down!  On your feet!

Guy:             Aw, I hate thinking: it’s not good for me.

Gawain:       What about having a tournament? 

Percival:      Nah, people don’t go to tournaments nowadays.  They want more violence.

All:               That’s right.

Guy:             There is an idea in my head.

Galahad:      It must be lonely.  What is it?

Guy:             Why don’t we find a giant and chop its head off?

All:               Aw!

Galahad:      Hey!  I’ve found the answer!  Look at this!

Percival:      ‘Are there seven knights out there who would like to rescue seven attractive damsels from

                       loneliness and boredom?  If you’re not scared of risks, the rewards could be high!’

Guy:             Rewards, eh? 

Gawain:       It’s obvious!  They’re rich girls.  All we have to do is rescue them and collect the reward .Lancelot:                     Come on, men!  This is our big chance!

Arthur:        Good thinking, Lancelot!  Let’s go!

Percival:      Wait a minute: it’s raining. 

Tristram:     It could be dangerous.

Guy:             And expensive.

All:               Yes, you’re right.

Arthur:        I can’t believe this!  Call yourself knights?  Seven beautiful damsels!  Who else can help them?

Guy:             Fire Brigade might.

Arthur:        No!  This is a quest for the Knights of the Round Table!  There’s honour in this!

Lancelot:     And money.

Arthur:        And money.  All agreed?  Raise your swords and shout ‘Aye!’

All:               Aye!

Arthur:        Line up, men.  Death or glory!

All:               Death or glory!

Arthur:        Left turn!  By the left, quick march!  Left, right!  Left, right!

Merlin:         Good morning, young gentlemen.

Squires:        Good morning, Merlin.

Merlin:         Repeat!

All:               We must learn our Knightway Code,

                     And be good knights on and off the road.

Merlin:         Excellent!

Lionel:         But we’re all too poor.

Arnold:        And we’ve no swords..

Kay:             And we ought to be meeting damsels at our age, but we’ve no money.

All:               None!

Merlin:         Trust me. Now: damsels.  So here’s an easy question for starters: what is a damsel?  Mark?

Mark:          Er, I don’t know. 

Merlin:         Tell them, Bryan.

Bryan:         A damsel is a maiden, often in distress.

Merlin:         Correct.  All repeat it.

All:               A damsel is a maiden, often in distress.

Merlin:         Good.  Now, a traffic problem. Approaching a road junction, you meet a knight.  What do you do?

Arnold:        Chop his head off!

Bryan:         No, run him through with your lance!

Merlin:         Well done, Bryan.  Highway signs now.  What’s this one?

Mark:          Beware ugly giant.

Merlin:         Good.  And this?

Ector:          Beware invisible giant.

Merlin:         And this?  It’s a tricky one.

Kay:             Beware invisible ugly giant!

Merlin:         Well done, Kay. 

Gareth:        Merlin, if he’s invisible, how do you know he’s ugly?

Merlin:         Gareth, who’s the teacher here?

Gareth:        You are, Merlin.

Merlin:         Of course.  Now, you all remember what a damsel is?

All:               A damsel is a maiden, often in distress.

Merlin:         Correct. Three ways of rescuing a damsel from a tower?

Arnold:        Chop her head off!

All:               Shut up, Arnold!

Bryan:         Use a ladder.  Climb up her hair.  Er, fire an arrow with a rope attached.

Merlin:         Splendid. Now, this has been our last lesson together.

All:               Oh, no!

Merlin:         Oh, yes.  I’ve taught you all I know, so that’s it!   End of lesson. 

Guinevere:   I have never been so humiliated!  What have those men spent all the money on?

Elaine:         Drink.  I suppose.

Elizabeth:    It certainly hasn’t gone on food.

Ethelreda:    Or clothes.

Edith:           I wonder where they are?  Tristram!

Guinevere:   Arthur!  We’re back!

Maud:          Look: a note.  ‘Dear wives, rescuing  damsels.  Please clean the castle. Your loving husbands’.

Guinevere:   ‘Loving’.  Huh!

Belle:            I hate damsels!  Remember the last lot they rescued?

All:               We do!

Maud:          Skirts up to their knees!

Edith:           Lying in bed all day painting their toenails!

Rhoda:         And borrowing our clothes!

Elaine:         And why should we have to clean the castle just for them?

Rhoda:         I say let’s run away and leave them all to stew in their own soup.

Maud:          Talk sense!  Where can we run away to?

Rhoda:         A nunnery!

All:               A nunnery??

Edith:           What, us: nuns?  Do you fancy all that praying?

All:               No!

Ethelreda:    Oh, let’s get down to the kitchen and start the meal: I’m starving.

Maud:          I hope they only bring two or three damsels.

Tristram:     (Off)  Are you all ready, girls?

Damsels:      (Off)  All ready!

Tristram:     (Off)  Shut your eyes and in we go!!

Arthur:        Ladies, we welcome you to –!

Knights:       The great hall of Camelot!  Ta-dah!

Damsels:      Oh.

Gwyneth:     Oh, it’s not very big, is it?

Odette:         It’s very, er, .  .  .  .

Yvonne:        Simple.

Isobel:          Yes, very simple. 

Gwyneth:     What I need is a drink after that journey.  Ring for a servant, someone.

Edith:           Yes?  What do you want?  And who are all these?

Arthur:        They’re the damsels we’ve rescued.  They’d like a drink.

Edith:           Well, they’ll have to go down to the shop.

Arthur:        We can’t ask them to go!  I’ll send a boy.  Lionel! 

Lionel:         Yes?  Wow!

Edith:           Don’t stare: it’s rude.  Go down to the shop and get some drink.

Lionel:         Can I take the horse?  I’ll be careful, honest!

Arthur:        Oh, very well.  And hurry!

Odette:         Who was the young man?

Tristram:     Just one of our seven squires.

Damsels:      Seven, eh?

Isobel:          Could you leave us?   We need to rest.

Arthur:        I was forgetting!  Come on, chaps, let’s go chase up the meal!

Gawain:       Last one in the kitchen’s a woman!

Knights:       Yeah!

Yvonne:        What a dump!  Look at it!

Blanche:       No carpets, no decent furniture.

Gwyneth:     And no drinks.

Yvonne:        I blame you!

Blanche:       Me?  Why me?

Yvonne:        You know why!

Odette:         Leave her!

Yvonne:        No!  It was her idea to put that idiotic advert in the paper! 

Blanche:       But we all voted to get out of the tower, didn’t we?

All:               Yes.

Isobel:          Cheer up!  This is the biggest castle in Britain, after all.

Odette:         I could stand the castle.  I just can’t stand those knights.

Damsels:      Right!

Isobel:          What should heroes talk about?

Blanche:       Oh, they tell you that your eyes are like limpid pools and your lips are like cherries ...

Belle:            And how he’ll be faithful to you for all eternity!

Blanche:       Yes!!

Odette:         Well, we’ve got the wrong sort of heroes.  What do this lot talk about?

Gwyneth:     Mine talked about which pubs keep the best ale.

Edwina:       Yes, and how to cure a hangover.

All:               Eucch!

Odette:         (To Blanche)  What about yours?

Blanche:       I think he was drunk.

Yvonne:        Weren’t they all?

All:               Yes.

Gwyneth:     And another thing: I’m sure they’re all married.

Isobel:          So what do we do? 

Odette:         What about the seven squires?

Gwyneth:     Who cares about the seven squires? 

All:               Not me.

Gwyneth:     Right, let’s move!

Merlin:         Sorry to disturb you, ladies!

Damsels:      That’s all right.

Damsels:      Ooh, yes!   

Merlin:         Good morning!  I’m Merlin. And you must be the seven damsels.  Can I help you?

Edwina:       You could tell us about those young men.

Merlin:         Ah!  Those are my pupils, the squires.

Blanche:       Are any of them betrothed to be married?

Merlin:         No, I’m afraid they’ve never had the chance to meet girls.

Blanche:       Perhaps we could help them?

Damsels:      Yes!  Perhaps we could!

Merlin:         I must dash. 

Arthur:        Ah, here you are!  We want to claim our reward.  Read them the advert, Galahad!

Galahad:      ‘Are there seven knights who would like to rescue seven damsels?  The rewards could be high.’

Gawain:       Right!  We want the rewards, don’t we, chaps?

Knights:       Right!

Odette:         Sit down!

Knights:       Why should we –?

Damsels:      Sit!!

Edwina:       We put that advert in the personal column for a laugh.  There is no reward. 

Yvonne:        Except we let you take us out and spend all your money like water.

     Tristram:     What money?  We’ve got no money.

Damsels:      You’ve got no money??

Knights:       No. Nothing.

Damsels:      Nor have we and we are all orphans.

Knights:       All orphans?

Blanche:       We are all the daughters of the incredibly wealthy Sir Bertram de Bors and the Lady Melisande.

Odette:         They were killed by a dragon and left all their money –

Knights:       Yes??

Edwina:       And all their castles –

Knights:       Yes, yes??

Gwyneth:     To our seven brothers.

Knights:       Oh, no!

Damsels:      Oh, yes.  We thought you were rich knights.

Knights:       And we thought you were rich damsels.

Damsels:      We’re sorry.

Lancelot:     Not as sorry as we are.

Galahad:      Wait till our wives hear about it.

Knights:       Oh, no!

Galahad:      We’ve rescued them for nothing!

Percival:      I say chuck ’em out!

Guy:             Chop their heads off!

Arthur:        Stop!  There’ll be blood all over the place

Damsels:      Help!

All:               Merlin!

Merlin:         It’s you who need teaching a lesson!  Stand up, young ladies!  Come in, young men! 

Damsels:      Ooh!

Squires:        Wor!

Guy:             And these squires should –

Merlin:         Hearken!  These damsels are the orphan daughters of Sir Bertram de Bors.

Ladies:         Ooh!

Merlin:         Hush, ladies!  Sir Bertram left all his castles and all his money to his sons.  But –!

All:               (except Damsels)  But –?

Merlin:         For his seven daughters –

All:               (except Damsels)  Yes, yes?

Merlin:         He ordered his artists to make a treasure of purest gold, set with precious stones!

Knights:       Gold?
Damsels         Yes: gold!!

Arthur:        Hah, gold!  That’s more like it! 

Merlin:         But after it was made, Sir Bertram feared it might be stolen so he called a magician called –

Lancelot:     Merlin.

Merlin:         Merlin, who turned the gold into cheap metal and glass.  But ...

All:               But!

Merlin:         But if the damsels marry seven poor knights, then the spell will be reversed!

Knights:       Yes!!  We are seven poor knights!

Ladies:         But you’re all married!

Knights:       Oh, no!

Kay:             Wait!  Would seven poor squires do?

Damsels:      Yes, seven poor squires!

Merlin:         I’m sorry: the spell says ‘Seven poor knights’.

Damsels:      Oh! 

Odette:         Well, there’s nothing more to say.  It was nice to meet you all.  Come on, girls.  Goodbye.

Merlin:         Why must you go?

Yvonne:        You know why: because we’ve no money and we can’t marry the squires.

Merlin:         Wait!  King Arthur, show me your sword. ... Abracadabra! 

All:               Aah!

Merlin:         Now, my pupils, one last question: what is the noblest use of a knightly sword?

Bryan:         To make someone a knight.

Merlin:         Correct.  And here we have a sword and seven squires.

Guy:             That’s ridiculous!  You can’t make them into knights at their age!

Merlin:         Should we?

Damsels:      Oh, yes please!

Merlin:         And when?

Damsels:      Right now!

Merlin:         And does the king give his royal consent?
Arthur         He does. ... Quiet, please!  Squires, all kneel.  Do you swear to defend the right?  Answer ‘We do’.

Squires:        We do.

Arthur:        We welcome you all as knights!

Lancelot:     Hip, hip!

All:               Hurray!

Lancelot:     Hip, hip!

All:               Hurray!

Lancelot:     Hip, hip!

All:               Hurray!

Merlin:         Damsels, take the hand of your chosen knight.  ...  Do you seven knights take these seven damsels to be your wives? 

Squires:        We do.

Merlin:         And do you seven damsels take these seven knights to be –

Damsels:      Yes!  Yes, we do! 

Merlin:         I pronounce you all men and wives.  And now!  Farewell!

Damsels:      Merlin!

All:               Merlin!  Stop!

Merlin:         And now! At last!  Merlin bids you all –

Guinevere:   Merlin, you must stay for the wedding feast! Arthur can pop down to the school shop for the cake!

Arthur:        And we’d all like to thank you for bringing our play to a happy ending.

Merlin:         Thank you.  I really must go: I have another lesson to teach.  But perhaps these people here

                     would like to applaud you all.