2B or Not 2B
Girls: It’s Friday afternoon.
Boys: Friday afternoon.
Girls: It’s the end of the week.
Boys: And you look like a freak.
Girls: Charming! Thank you.
Arthur: And of all the subjects that we could be studying ...
Guinevere: Such as English,
Lancelot: Or History,
Elaine: Or Social Psychology,
Galahad: Or Film Studies,
Elizabeth: Or Chemistry,
Gawain: Or The Dynamics of Inter-Personal Relationships in ‘The Simpsons’,
All: Shut up!
Ethelreda: Or Geography,
Tristram: Or Nuclear Physics,
Edith: Or Inter-Galactic Musicology,
Guy: The subject we actually get on a Friday afternoon is:
All: Drama!
Rhoda: We get Drama
with Mr Chambers!
Percival: And Drama with Mr Chambers is always:
All: Improvisation!
Belle: We have
done improvisations on –
Bryan: War!
Blanche: Famine!
Arnold: Plague!
Isobel: Bullying!
Gareth: Migration!
Maud: Deprivation!
Kay: Discrimination!
Odette: Conservation!
Lionel: Being jobless,
Yvonne: Being homeless,
Mark: And being clueless.
Edwina: So here we are waiting for Mr Chambers, who is late.
All: As usual!
Ector: Because he cannot think of anything we haven’t improvised about.
Gwyneth: But hush! Here he comes!
All: The man
himself! Ta-dah!
All: Aw!
Teacher: Hi there! Are you Class 2B?
Arthur: Or not 2B.
Teacher: What?
Guinevere: It’s a joke, Miss. Are you
taking us, Miss?
Teacher: Yes: Did Mr Chambers set you any work?
All: No, Miss.
Teacher: So what do you usually do?
Mark: Mess about.
Lancelot: He gives us an idea, then we improvise.
Teacher: Do you like his ideas?
All: No, they’re boring!
Elaine: Why don’t we ever do a proper play?
Ector: Yeah! let’s do Frankenstein!
Girls: Aw, no!
Arnold: Fighting!
Boys: Yeah!
Isobel: Oh, Miss, why do they always want to fight?
Blanche: Miss, let’s do a play where we can wear long dresses from the
wardrobe!
Belle: Yes! A love story!
Girls: Yes! Please, Miss! Please!
Boys: No! No way!
Girls: Yes!
Teacher: That’s enough. Listen to
me! All of you! The play is about to begin.
Elaine: Yes, but –
Teacher: Shh! This place is a castle,
right?
All: Right.
Teacher: You boys are knights in armour, right?
Boys: Right!
Teacher: Girls, you are ladies in long dresses. All right?
Girls: All right.
Teacher: But you all have a problem: you have no money.
Edwina: Miss, I
thought that knights and ladies were rich.
Teacher: Not this lot.
Guy: And, Miss, there’s no armour in the wardrobe.
Teacher: They didn’t wear it indoors.
Go get ready.
................................................................................................................................................................................
Post: Good morning, I am your friendly postwoman. Is this Camelot Castle? Is King Arthur at
home?
Guinevere: King
Arthur! It’s the post!
Post: I’ve got a parcel for him.
Guinevere: Oh, I’ll take it. I’m his
wife.
Post: Oh, then you must be Queen Guinevere?
Guinevere: You can give me the parcel.
Post: I’m afraid that the King has to sign for it himself, your Majesty.
Guinevere: Get a move
on, Arthur!
Lancelot: (Off) Go on! It’s you!
Post: A parcel for you, sire.
Arthur: Oh, great! It must be that
new sword I ordered.
Post: I’m afraid it’s Cash On Delivery’, your Majesty.
Arthur: I’ll go get you a cheque.
Post: Sorry, sire, it must be cash or I’ll have to take it back.
Arthur: You can’t! I broke my other
sword last week. Look at it! How can I be King of Britain with a sword
like this? ... I’ll pick it up later.
Post: Thank you, your Majesties. (Exit
Post)
Guinevere: Why did you have to tell her that?
Arthur: Because it’s true! I’m the
poorest king in the world. I can’t carry on! ... Breakfast time!
Lancelot: Hail, King Arthur!
All: Hail, King Arthur!
Arthur: And hail to you as well.
Guinevere: The food should be here soon!
... Something’s wrong. Ring the
bell, Arthur.
Elaine: Did I see the post bringing a parcel?
Arthur: Yes: a new sword.
Lancelot: Great! Let’s see it.
Arthur: No, I sent it back.
Elizabeth: Oh, was it the wrong size?
Guinevere: No, we couldn’t pay for it.
Arthur: Shut up, woman! ... We’re all
waiting for breakfast! Where are the
cooks?
Kay: They’ve all gone.
All: Gone?
Ethelreda: Where have they
gone?
Kay: I don’t know. They left this
letter.
Maud: ‘Dear
All, Sorry there is no breakfast, but we are out of food. Also we have not been paid for six
months. Yours sincerely, Castle
Cooks’. And seven kisses.
Elizabeth: Is there no food at all, Kay?
Kay: No, we can’t find any.
Guinevere: Come on, girls, let’s go down to the shops. You men had better think about making money!
Arthur: I can’t even feed my own knights!
It’s the end!
Lancelot: Cheer up, Arthur: we’ll think of something! Come on, men: think!
Galahad: What about . . .
.? No.
Guy: I know! We could . .
. . No, we couldn’t.
All: Why don’t
we . .
. ? No.
Lancelot: We can’t think properly sitting down! On your feet!
Guy: Aw, I hate thinking: it’s not good for me.
Gawain: What about having a tournament?
Percival: Nah, people don’t go to tournaments nowadays. They want more violence.
All: That’s right.
Guy: There is
an idea in my head.
Galahad: It must be lonely. What is
it?
Guy: Why don’t we find a giant and chop its head off?
All: Aw!
Galahad: Hey! I’ve found the answer! Look at this!
Percival: ‘Are
there seven knights out there who would like to rescue seven attractive damsels
from
loneliness
and boredom? If you’re not scared of
risks, the rewards could be high!’
Guy: Rewards, eh?
Gawain: It’s obvious! They’re rich
girls. All we have to do is rescue them
and collect the reward .Lancelot: Come on, men! This is our big chance!
Arthur: Good thinking, Lancelot!
Let’s go!
Percival: Wait a minute: it’s raining.
Tristram: It could be dangerous.
Guy: And expensive.
All: Yes,
you’re right.
Arthur: I can’t believe this! Call
yourself knights? Seven beautiful
damsels! Who else can help them?
Guy: Fire Brigade might.
Arthur: No! This is a quest for the
Knights of the Round Table! There’s
honour in this!
Lancelot: And money.
Arthur: And money. All agreed? Raise your swords and shout ‘Aye!’
All: Aye!
Arthur: Line up, men. Death or glory!
All: Death or glory!
Arthur: Left turn! By the left, quick
march! Left, right! Left, right!
Merlin: Good morning, young gentlemen.
Squires: Good morning, Merlin.
Merlin: Repeat!
All: We must
learn our Knightway Code,
And be good knights on and
off the road.
Merlin: Excellent!
Lionel: But we’re all too poor.
Arnold: And we’ve no swords..
Kay: And we ought to be meeting damsels at our age, but we’ve no money.
All: None!
Merlin: Trust me. Now: damsels. So
here’s an easy question for starters: what is a damsel? Mark?
Mark: Er, I don’t know.
Merlin: Tell them, Bryan.
Bryan: A damsel is a maiden, often in distress.
Merlin: Correct. All repeat it.
All: A damsel
is a maiden, often in distress.
Merlin: Good. Now, a traffic problem.
Approaching a road junction, you meet a knight.
What do you do?
Arnold: Chop his head off!
Bryan: No, run him through with your lance!
Merlin: Well done, Bryan. Highway
signs now. What’s this one?
Mark: Beware ugly giant.
Merlin: Good. And this?
Ector: Beware invisible giant.
Merlin: And this? It’s a tricky one.
Kay: Beware
invisible ugly giant!
Merlin: Well done, Kay.
Gareth: Merlin, if
he’s invisible, how do you know he’s ugly?
Merlin: Gareth, who’s the teacher here?
Gareth: You are, Merlin.
Merlin: Of course. Now, you all
remember what a damsel is?
All: A damsel
is a maiden, often in distress.
Merlin: Correct. Three ways of rescuing a damsel from a tower?
Arnold: Chop her head off!
All: Shut up, Arnold!
Bryan: Use a ladder. Climb up her
hair. Er, fire an arrow with a rope
attached.
Merlin: Splendid. Now, this has been our last lesson together.
All: Oh, no!
Merlin: Oh, yes. I’ve taught you all
I know, so that’s it! End of lesson.
Guinevere: I have
never been so humiliated! What have
those men spent all the money on?
Elaine: Drink. I suppose.
Elizabeth: It certainly hasn’t gone on food.
Ethelreda: Or clothes.
Edith: I wonder where they are? Tristram!
Guinevere: Arthur! We’re back!
Maud: Look: a note. ‘Dear
wives, rescuing damsels. Please clean the castle. Your loving
husbands’.
Guinevere: ‘Loving’. Huh!
Belle: I hate damsels! Remember the
last lot they rescued?
All: We do!
Maud: Skirts up to their knees!
Edith: Lying in bed all day painting their toenails!
Rhoda: And borrowing our clothes!
Elaine: And why should we have to clean the castle just for them?
Rhoda: I say let’s run away and leave them all to stew in their own soup.
Maud: Talk sense! Where can we run
away to?
Rhoda: A nunnery!
All: A
nunnery??
Edith: What, us:
nuns? Do you fancy all that praying?
All: No!
Ethelreda: Oh, let’s get down to the kitchen and start the meal: I’m starving.
Maud: I hope they only bring two or three damsels.
Tristram: (Off) Are you all ready, girls?
Damsels: (Off) All ready!
Tristram: (Off) Shut your eyes and in we go!!
Arthur: Ladies, we welcome you to –!
Knights: The great hall of Camelot!
Ta-dah!
Damsels: Oh.
Gwyneth: Oh, it’s not very big, is it?
Odette: It’s very, er, . . . .
Yvonne: Simple.
Isobel: Yes, very simple.
Gwyneth: What I need is a drink after that journey. Ring for a servant, someone.
Edith: Yes? What do you want? And
who are all these?
Arthur: They’re the damsels we’ve rescued.
They’d like a drink.
Edith: Well, they’ll have to go down to the shop.
Arthur: We can’t ask them to go! I’ll
send a boy. Lionel!
Lionel: Yes? Wow!
Edith: Don’t stare: it’s
rude. Go down to the shop and get some
drink.
Lionel: Can I take the horse? I’ll be careful, honest!
Arthur: Oh, very well. And hurry!
Odette: Who was the young man?
Tristram: Just one of our seven squires.
Damsels: Seven, eh?
Isobel: Could you leave us? We need to rest.
Arthur: I was forgetting! Come on,
chaps, let’s go chase up the meal!
Gawain: Last one in the kitchen’s a woman!
Knights: Yeah!
Yvonne: What a
dump! Look at it!
Blanche: No carpets, no decent furniture.
Gwyneth: And no drinks.
Yvonne: I blame
you!
Blanche: Me? Why me?
Yvonne: You know why!
Odette: Leave her!
Yvonne: No! It was her idea to put
that idiotic advert in the paper!
Blanche: But we all voted to get out of the tower, didn’t we?
All: Yes.
Isobel: Cheer up! This is the biggest
castle in Britain, after all.
Odette: I could stand the castle. I
just can’t stand those knights.
Damsels: Right!
Isobel: What should heroes talk about?
Blanche: Oh, they tell you that your eyes are like limpid pools and your lips
are like cherries ...
Belle: And how he’ll be faithful to you for all eternity!
Blanche: Yes!!
Odette: Well, we’ve got the wrong sort of heroes. What do this lot talk about?
Gwyneth: Mine talked about which pubs keep the best ale.
Edwina: Yes, and how to cure a hangover.
All: Eucch!
Odette: (To Blanche)
What about yours?
Blanche: I think he was drunk.
Yvonne: Weren’t they all?
All: Yes.
Gwyneth: And another thing: I’m sure they’re all married.
Isobel: So what do we do?
Odette: What about the seven squires?
Gwyneth: Who cares about the seven squires?
All: Not me.
Gwyneth: Right, let’s move!
Merlin: Sorry to disturb you, ladies!
Damsels: That’s all right.
Damsels: Ooh, yes!
Merlin: Good morning! I’m Merlin. And
you must be the seven damsels. Can I
help you?
Edwina: You could tell us about those young men.
Merlin: Ah! Those are my pupils, the
squires.
Blanche: Are any of them betrothed to be married?
Merlin: No, I’m afraid they’ve never had the chance to meet girls.
Blanche: Perhaps we could help them?
Damsels: Yes! Perhaps we could!
Merlin: I must dash.
Arthur: Ah, here you are! We want to
claim our reward. Read them the advert,
Galahad!
Galahad: ‘Are
there seven knights who would like to rescue seven damsels? The rewards could be high.’
Gawain: Right! We want the rewards,
don’t we, chaps?
Knights: Right!
Odette: Sit down!
Knights: Why should we –?
Damsels: Sit!!
Edwina: We put that advert in the personal column for a laugh. There is no reward.
Yvonne: Except we let you take us out and spend all your money like water.
Tristram: What
money? We’ve got no money.
Damsels: You’ve got no money??
Knights: No. Nothing.
Damsels: Nor have we and we are all orphans.
Knights: All orphans?
Blanche: We are all the daughters of the incredibly wealthy Sir Bertram de
Bors and the Lady Melisande.
Odette: They were killed by a dragon and left all their money –
Knights: Yes??
Edwina: And all their castles –
Knights: Yes, yes??
Gwyneth: To our seven brothers.
Knights: Oh, no!
Damsels: Oh, yes. We thought you were
rich knights.
Knights: And we thought you were rich damsels.
Damsels: We’re sorry.
Lancelot: Not as sorry as we are.
Galahad: Wait till
our wives hear about it.
Knights: Oh, no!
Galahad: We’ve rescued
them for nothing!
Percival: I say
chuck ’em out!
Guy: Chop their
heads off!
Arthur: Stop! There’ll be blood all
over the place
Damsels: Help!
All: Merlin!
Merlin: It’s you who need teaching a lesson!
Stand up, young ladies! Come in, young men!
Damsels: Ooh!
Squires: Wor!
Guy: And these
squires should –
Merlin: Hearken! These damsels are
the orphan daughters of Sir Bertram de Bors.
Ladies: Ooh!
Merlin: Hush, ladies! Sir Bertram
left all his castles and all his money to his sons. But –!
All: (except Damsels)
But –?
Merlin: For his seven daughters –
All: (except Damsels)
Yes, yes?
Merlin: He ordered his artists to make a treasure of purest gold, set with
precious stones!
Knights: Gold?
Damsels Yes: gold!!
Damsels Yes: gold!!
Arthur: Hah, gold! That’s more like
it!
Merlin: But after it was made, Sir Bertram feared it might be stolen so he called
a magician called –
Lancelot: Merlin.
Merlin: Merlin, who turned the gold into cheap metal and glass. But ...
All: But!
Merlin: But if the damsels marry seven poor knights, then the spell will be
reversed!
Knights: Yes!! We are seven poor knights!
Ladies: But you’re all married!
Knights: Oh, no!
Kay: Wait! Would seven poor
squires do?
Damsels: Yes, seven
poor squires!
Merlin: I’m sorry: the spell says ‘Seven poor knights’.
Damsels: Oh!
Odette: Well,
there’s nothing more to say. It was nice
to meet you all. Come on, girls. Goodbye.
Merlin: Why must you go?
Yvonne: You know why: because we’ve no money and we can’t marry the squires.
Merlin: Wait! King Arthur, show me your
sword. ... Abracadabra!
All: Aah!
Merlin: Now, my pupils, one last question: what is the noblest use of a
knightly sword?
Bryan: To make someone a knight.
Merlin: Correct. And here we have a
sword and seven squires.
Guy: That’s ridiculous! You can’t
make them into knights at their age!
Merlin: Should we?
Damsels: Oh, yes please!
Merlin: And when?
Damsels: Right now!
Merlin: And does the king give his royal consent?
Arthur He does. ... Quiet, please! Squires, all kneel. Do you swear to defend the right? Answer ‘We do’.
Arthur He does. ... Quiet, please! Squires, all kneel. Do you swear to defend the right? Answer ‘We do’.
Squires: We do.
Arthur: We welcome
you all as knights!
Lancelot: Hip, hip!
All: Hurray!
Lancelot: Hip, hip!
All: Hurray!
Lancelot: Hip, hip!
All: Hurray!
Merlin: Damsels, take the hand of your chosen knight. ... Do
you seven knights take these seven damsels to be your wives?
Squires: We do.
Merlin: And do you seven damsels take these seven knights to be –
Damsels: Yes! Yes, we do!
Merlin: I pronounce you all men and wives.
And now! Farewell!
Damsels: Merlin!
All: Merlin! Stop!
Merlin: And now! At
last! Merlin bids you all –
Guinevere: Merlin, you must stay for the wedding feast! Arthur can pop down to
the school shop for the cake!
Arthur: And we’d all like to thank you for bringing our play to a happy
ending.
Merlin: Thank you. I really must go:
I have another lesson to teach. But
perhaps these people here
would like to applaud you
all.
